


Honey I'm Home

by McParrot



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Cliche, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21799963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McParrot/pseuds/McParrot
Summary: for the Torchwood Cliche Fic FestIron Troper - three random cliches.·  Secretly royalty·  pretending to be married in the suburbs·  diary entries / Very Secret Diary(plus an extra cliche for you to enjoy)
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15
Collections: Torchwood Cliché Fest





	Honey I'm Home

**Author's Note:**

> McParrot is loading all her fan fic onto AO3  
> This piece originally posted to LJ Dec 2012

‘Oh dear god,’ Ianto muttered to himself. He watched Jack mince, yes, only word to describe it, mince up the walk of the suburban bungalow. He was wearing a pink open neck shirt, chinos and running shoes with a pink! stripe on them. He looked as camp as a bloody scout jamboree and absolutely fucking gorgeous.  
‘Honey I’m home,’ he shouted as he flung open the door.  
‘Oh for fuck sake.’ Ianto hurriedly shoved his diary under the sofa cushion. This mission was so secret there were supposed to be no records of it, at all. Not even in Torchwood’s most secure vaults, but he couldn’t not keep notes of some kind. It just wasn’t in him. And keeping a diary, that wasn’t suspicious. That’s what a normal married man might do and they had to appear as normal as possible.  
Although Jack was doing his utmost to make undercover mean outrageous and noticeable. ‘What the fuck do you think you’re playing at,’ Ianto hissed as Jack swept him into a hug. ‘The whole fucking neighbourhood is going to be watching you. Do you have any idea how watchable your arse is in those pants?’  
‘If they’re watching me they’re not watching our “neighbour” that we’re here to protect.’ Jack sounded like Jack again.  
‘I still don’t see how us being here is supposed to help anything.’ Ianto extricated himself from Jack’s grasp. Being as they were in full view of the street through the wide lounge windows Jack seemed to be playing up to any potential watchers and giving his “husband” a thorough honey-I’m-home grope. It wasn’t exactly unpleasant but the thought of watchers was a little off putting. He grabbed Jack’s hand, removed it from his crotch and towed Jack through into the beautiful modern kitchen.  
‘Tell me,’ Ianto hissed, ‘just exactly what we’re doing here and why,’ he waved an exasperated hand, ‘you’re behaving like an extra from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?’  
‘Okay.’ Jack dropped all pretence at campness and flipped the kettle on. ‘Next door, number 42, pretty girl. Dark wavy hair, blue eyes, 25 years old. Bit of a looker.’  
‘I’ve read the only bit of file you gave me, discovered that there is NO record of her on the web or anywhere and that we’re here to protect her from some sort of a threat. Yeah I get that. But the whole thing is so fucking secret I have no idea what from or why. And frankly Jack I’m sick of it.’ Ianto crowded up behind Jack. ‘I don’t know whether I should be prowling the perimeter with a gun or hacking into her emails. I feel completely useless and I hate it.’  
Jack grinned. He was getting off on Ianto’s anger. Bastard.  
‘Tell me.’  
‘Okay.’ Jack held his hands up in surrender. ‘Maria Hazeldean is actually Princess Diana’s daughter.’ He grinned at Ianto’s gasp. ‘It was all hushed up of course. REALLY hushed up.’ He put a hand out and tipped up Ianto’s chin. ‘Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.’  
‘But…’ Now Ianto thought about it, maybe he could see a resemblance, not so much in colouring, but something about her eyes, maybe her nose was very familiar. ‘Wow. How did they keep that secret? I mean, they’d have had to hide that fact that Diana was pregnant.’  
‘Yeah.’ Jack shrugged. ‘Wasn’t easy.’  
‘So… Is someone threatening to spill the beans?’ He poured water into two coffee mugs on autopilot. ‘It would be dreadful for the Royal family, but…’  
‘Nothing that simple.’ Jack sighed and rubbed his nose. ‘I received a warning.’  
‘You?’ Ianto startled and stared at him. ‘When?’  
‘Two nights ago. You were sleeping. A guy,’ Jack looked embarrassed. ‘Look let’s just say that someone who remembers me fondly thought I ought to know.’  
Ianto rolled his eyes but deliberately didn’t ask who or why. ‘What should you know?’  
‘Well,’ Jack fished the teabag out of his mug. ‘Maria Hazeldean has Royal blood. From her mother’s side. She’s a descendant of Queen Victoria, but that’s by the by. What is important is that she’s close enough to the blood line of the “official” Royal family to be of use to some very unscrupulous types in a galaxy not too far from here. It’s a credible threat. I believe him.’  
‘Shouldn’t we be getting her away from here then? How is living next door and pretending to be married helping at all?’  
Jack looked sheepish. ‘Well it isn’t really. But it makes me feel better being close at hand.’ He looked up and waggled his eyebrows. ‘And besides. It’s sort of fun pretending to be married.’  
Something was off. ‘You’re deflecting. What are we really doing here?’  
‘Maria’s been told of the threat and she’s refusing to leave.’ So it did make sense for them to stick close…  
‘There’s more? I know you Jack. You’re not telling me something.’  
They were prevented from having their first argument as a “married” couple by the sound of someone knocking on the back door.  
‘What?’ Ianto leapt up.  
Jack was quicker.  
Ianto followed him to the door and watched as Jack cautiously opened it. A pretty woman with dark wavy hair and blue eyes was standing there. She put her hands on her hips and gave Jack a scathing once over from the pink trainers up. ‘Hello Dad.’  
Oh yes, Ianto thought, momentarily losing his breath. Her eyes, her nose. Now he thought about it she did look VERY familiar.


End file.
